I just finished a three-day work-a-thon over at Target. 10pm - 6am. Gross. I slept FOREVER today. I needed to recover from the disgusting feat I pulled.
I've managed to do a lot this summer. Hung out with lots of different people and gone a few places. But something feels wrong. Have I changed that much? What makes me unable to have a fun time and relax? Perhaps it’s the looming presence of life. Poetic? No but seriously. I need an apartment and guess what? Bobby and Cassie pulled out. Wonderful. Amazing. Great. I'm fucked.
Sometimes I feel like I have to be an adult cause others don't want to be. I have to worry about things I am not supposed to at my age, i.e. an apartment and life. I feel stuck, dragged down and unable to get back up.
Sometimes I don't know where my life is headed. As I lay on the floor drunk as a bee (?) I wonder if this is the life I want. Is my life stuck at Target? Am I unable to make friends anymore, or do I only want to be with Johnny? God!! Something feels so wrong in my life and I don't know what it is!!
The whole "gay" thing makes things worse. I don't feel like I'm gay but all I ever see/hear is how I have to fit in with "them" because somehow we are separated. But at the same time I have little in common with straight men who love boobs, sports, car and beer. Boobs are only good to play with and watch bounce. After all they are only globs of fat.
This summer is different from last. I never seem to sit down and relax. I am always up, doing something with someone someplace at sometime doing god-knows-what. And I fine myself bitching all the time. Why is that? Am I just a bitch now? Perhaps...
We always want things to go back to the way they were, and when life changes, people find it hard to fit in anymore. Where do I belong now?
What an emo/disturbing post...
