Friday, February 29, 2008

The F Word

Oh, God I haven't posted in forever! But I do have an excuse. Basically put, my life began to fall apart and I am now attempting to pull the pieces together.

So, I broke up with Johnny. I'm not going into much detail. It was a messy break-up, and still is. We still (unfortunately) live together. His mom asked me to not be too harsh and kick him out, though she completely understands why I would do so. She has to look after her son, and I understand. So, I must endure another month.

How did this happen? I really don't want to get into the details. This has been such a hard time for me, that it still hurts. I've made very bad decisions this past month, and wondered constantly who I have become.

Relationships are funny things. Love is an even funnier. People use the word too much. I did at first, when I certainly wasn't. He was my first real relationship, and, as so many do, I thought everything was different between us. That we did really love each other. And of course the truth was that indeed we didn't. We were in love with the idea of being in love. But in time, I did fall for him. And to give that up was the terrible. I don't love Johnny anymore. And I didn't at the time when I broke up with him.

To let him move on with his life is a difficult thing to do. And worse yet, to witness him move on every day killed me. However, I did the same to him. I began to move on in front of him and I killed him. Then I went and fucked things up.

I began to be confused. Seeing Johnny everyday, and beginning to get along with him made me wonder if what I had done was right. So, I fell back to what I knew. Johnny. And at the same time I was with someone else, who I do have real feelings for. I have no idea how or why I did it, but I regret it everyday. And now, I believe I am ending up with no one. Perhaps it is best. But at the same time, I don't want to lose what may have been. Perhaps I should go to church again...

Aside from my fucked up love life, I have been sick as hell. Hit full face with a strange virus that makes my head feel like its is blowing up, my stomach churn, my throat swell and my head to spin. For two days I laid in bed and still I cannot get over it. I think the city's homeless people are getting me sick!

Oh and there was a drive-by outside my apartment. Wonderful.

So, this is my amazing life so far. Sick, scared and alone.

P.S. I will no longer use photos, as (somehow) the original photographer of one of the photos I used saw that I took her picture. I didn't know people actually read this thing...