Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Two weeks go by and I don't post. Two weeks of non-stop action. Even now, I should be doing something constructive, like homework. But instead I have chosen to sit here and blog about my life thus-far. Not detailed descriptions of every thing I do *coughzacharycough* I don't do that cause I can't remember everything. :(
So lets see. Where do I begin? Well for starters I feel like I am going insane these days. It is hard to have a social life and try to do well in school at the same, even more so with the classes I am taking now. Philosophy is starting to pick up, English is too much work that I do not care about, I am scared of my History and Greek classes and I haven't been to my Anthropology class in a very long time. I am four chapters behind!! Do I have a social life? It is slowly dying. I spend most of my time either trying to catch up on my work, or vegging out because I am too stressed. The only thing that keeps me sane anymore is my boy.
Example: my day today! Started out with me waking up way too late and almost missing the train back to Chicago. Why I was home is explained later. But however I did make the train after running in front of it! The ride was crowded, stuffy and this old guy next to me kept singing to his iPod. The one good thing however was that the conductor did not see me and I ended up not having to pay anything. Upon getting to Chicago and taking a pink line back, I have to get ready for school very quickly, since class started at 9 and I am far away from campus. Go to class, everything is normal. Go to another class, very very hot and boring but I survive. But then I realized I had to write a paper due by my next class. I had some time so I ate and went at it. It was rushed, crappy and I didn't print out enough copies, but it was done. I then went with Ian, Mike and Kevin to watch a movie, Ran, for our term paper in English. It was a very good and interesting movie but I wasn't feeling well and was very tired. I left after about an hour and half, still having another good hour to go! Coming back, I almost got on the bus until I saw someone I did not want to face. We will leave the name here blank for now. So I decided not to go on the bus and went to the el. However the blue line was 30 minutes late. Four other trains passed by on the other side of the tracks, but not the one I need. And it was very VERY cold. By the time I finally got back to my dorm, I was cold, exhausted and grumpy. I vegged out, did some homework and vegged out some more. So there you go. My bitchy rant. God I feel good!
So why was I home yesterday, during a school day? My boy of course! It is our second meeting anniversary. I find it cute! Friday is our real one month anniversary. It is the longest relationship I have ever had! Wait, scratch that. The only relationship I have ever had! If he does come to UIC with me, it would be heaven on earth! Heaven on freaking earth! My boy and some friends came over here to visit and I had a really amazing time!
So my social life? Yeah, it is going down the drains. I didn't want to break ties with everyone I knew from high school, though there were a few that I did want to and they just wont break... But in any case, I seem to be loosing contact with very many of my closer friends, even here at school. I try to do the whole Myspace and Facebook thing and I try to see people, but it is so hard with school and with the constant and large workload. I feel so bad. But not only that I feel so lazy and crappy cause I have no social life. What happened to my amazing senior year of high school and even my first semester of college where I was always doing something?! Everything except homework that is, cause I had none!
Oh god this post is really bitchy, whining and close to being annoying. Someone save me! =(
Monday, January 22, 2007
Ever have a moment where your walking by yourself in a crowded place, completely shut out to anything and anyone around you, and then suddenly you trip, allowing everyone to notice you? Happens to me all the time. Damn that ice.
I woke up today and said, "Its my birthday. I am not going to class." Five minutes later I get up and run out the door before I missed the shuttle. That however did not work and as I saw the shuttle quickly leave, I realized this is going to be a weird day.
I did however skip my Anthropology class. Sitting in an enormous lecture hall with about 350 other students makes me feel unimportant, so I don't go. I didn't want to be bored today. This is my day! I can be a bitch.
I ended up walking around the new apartments in Greek town trying to find the entrance to look around. There was a sign that said "MODEL OPEN! COME IN!" False advertising. I was cold, tired and wet from the nasty slush of Chicago.
Ok, so I guess I'm bitching a lot. It really hasn't been that bad of a day. I guess I am just tired/exhausted. My weekend was tiring. I went back home on Friday and spent about an half hour with the boy on his lunch break. I then waited around the area until 12.45 when he got off. I got so bored I ended up singing Wicked in my car right while I froze to death. But it was all good cause I spent another half hour at Steak & Shake.
The next day was spent going to Naperville on a whim to visit Zachary. We didn't do much, but it was still enjoyable. We did take a walk around random places while attempting to be camera whores. I need to smile more...
That night we went clubbing after everyone got back from Sadies. It was fun, though not as fun as past times I have been. PDA is still an issue and it only makes things worse when we get strange/mean looks. We also believe we got hit on, but we can never really be sure. Yago was there with some of her friends as was Thomas Taber, though I never actually saw him. I was supposed to get my boy back home at 2 AM but due to the amount of good songs playing, it turned out to be 3 AM.
Even though he was grounded, I did manage a short 45 minute visit with him. We found out that we have always been around each other in life, and yet never noticed it. Very strange and eerie. Anyway, I jumped on a train at 8.37 PM only to find Ian. I attempted to read my homework, but ended up talking to Ian most of the time. It was fun and made the long ride home little less long.
And now I'm 19. I am at the end of teenage years! OH NO! Even though legally I have been an adult since 18, 20 is a big milestone. Now I am very disturbed and have to go think about this some more...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
This morning I almost did not get onto the shuttle. It was overcrowded, stuffy and smelled weird. With the new dorm open now, everything is becoming overcrowded, though there are many new people to meet. The problem is going out and meeting them.
I am happy and sad to be back. For one, I am back in Chicago, which is amazing! I wish I could live here year round!! I am also away from my parents and family. I can only take so much of them before I go crazy. But this also means a separation from my boy! I miss him so much and this is going to be hard. I've already talked to him at least five times today. :D
The first thing I noticed when entering my dorm was the strange smell that lingered everywhere. I can't put my finger on it. Miles had a similar problem in Savannah according to his blog. Other than that and a little makeover to the toilet paper dispensers in the bathrooms, everything is exactly the same. It feels so weird, as if I had never actually left. It is a very eerie feeling.
I had two classes today, Greek 102 and Philosophy 102. Philosophy seems like a more difficult class, but I sit next to Mike Henning, a philosophy major himself. He will help me. My Greek class is hard as usual, but that it is almost two hours long makes me want to scream. Two hours of nothing but Greek is too much for my little brain!
My text book total came to a little more than $300. I about passed out. I am broke once again. On the flipside, I have about $830 in flex dollars to use for food and random stuff!
Tomorrow comes Anthropology 101, English 161 and History 223. I can only hope this semester goes fast...very fast.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
The title? I do not consider myself holy in any sense, I just thought it rolls off the tongue. Oh, you didn't know? The whole world does anymore so you must be pretty cut-off.
Ok, so I am gay. Labels suck but how else do I explain myself? And now that my family knows, I can finally blog about it. If I didn't know my sister read this thing and reported to my parents about my doings I may have let something slip beforehand.
First Stage - I've known who I am for a very long time, but I denied it. Growing up in a conservative Christian family there isn't much acceptance for such lifestyles. But one day, I was done with it and finally accepted who I was. I pretty much prayed to God everyday to make me straight, but once I realized there was no answer, I gave up. Zachary really helped me when he came out. I believed him when he told me he didn't choose this and finally I believed myself.
Second Stage - So now I'm gay and no one knows. This really was a depressing time for me. I just could not tell people who I was and no one understood some of my actions, such as not wanting to date. I wanted to, but if I did, then I would have to hide everything. One day however, after being disturbed by people in my dorm talking behind my back about the possibility of me being gay, I broke a small hole in the large wall I had built and told Mike Henning via AIM.
Third Stage - His acceptance gave me just enough courage to tell more people, and thats exactly what I did. Soon three became ten which became twenty, etc. I was very encouraged by my friend's support and acceptance. I wasn't expecting less since Zachary and Miles did pave the way for me, but it only takes a single doubt to make me anxious. Then I met him. My dream boy! For privacy reasons, I won't name him, though I don't know who doesn't know. I met him at Mission, a club in Elgin, and though he didn't believe that I was gay at first, I finally convinced him. And we hit it off. We started to date on his birthday, and I have never been happier in my life! So I did the hardest thing I have done to date. I told the family.
They love me, of course, but the thought of rejection always remained with me. They will not however accept my lifestyle. They call it a choice, I call it life. We disagree on many things, religion is the most crucial. And apparently now my whole family knows as well. I will not find much acceptance there, but why even care anymore. I am who I am, not to quote God. Thanksgiving is going to be very awkward...
So this is my huge life-changing subject of the month. But every one of my worries disappear when I am with my boy! And I really am going to hate having to leave him for school. Expect me home at least every weekend!