Freak out

Sometimes I just want to curl into a ball and scream. Nothing seems to be working for me lately. Boys suck, the CTA sucks, Chicago has sucked lately, the cold bites, my health ain't so great, friends aren't great, money is scarce, job is a killer, etc. etc. I thought the end of the semester was supposed to usher in happy times? That has not happened as of yet.

December Member

Whoooooaaa that was a long break! An intentional one nonetheless. Quick recap of the past three months of my life?

-Crazy-hard classes
-Lots of working in Wrigleyville
-Volunteer programs

That pretty much sums it up. Now that my final undergraduate fall semester is over, I can confidently say that I accomplished more this semester than any other previous. If only I had started earlier!

Anyway, life in the city has become difficult. I love my roommates and we usually get along pretty well but lately I have been under such stress and external pressures that I can't relax with them anymore. It is also slightly annoying to have so many people personally involved in the day-to-day aspects of my life. I can't make a decision or do something without them knowing or trying to find out. The lack of privacy disturbs me. I need an extended period away from everyone. Luckily, the store will be close for about a week and I will spend most of that time in Batavia hanging out with people I don't get to see very often.

Recap on the boy situation - as usual I get myself into bad situations that I end up running away from. In a nutshell, a boy liked me, I liked him and we hit it off at first. But within a couple of days he became possessive and moved things far too fast for my comfort, talking about long term relationships, marriage and children. He also got mad if I didn't text him every day. It weirded me out and I got out of the situation as quickly as possible! I have also met another boy who I have slowly kicked things off with. Key word, slowly. I have a hard time reading him and he gives off mixed signals so I am very unsure of what we are. But no worries! With encouragement from Miles, I think I need to have a very frank conversation with him telling him that I would like to date him! I have no idea how this will turn out though.

So now I look forward to a relaxing winter break! I thought it was going to be fairly lazy, but to my surprise I have been finding a lot of things to do. Unfortunately I have to work on New Year's Eve, so no crazy parties for me. This will also be the first time in three years that I will not kiss a boy at midnight on the 1st! The times, they are a-changing.

PMS

Sometimes I feel like I have far too much estrogen following through my veins that is appropriate for a man, however gay he may be. For example, right now I want to just sit wrapped in at least two blankets, turn on some sappy romance movie, eat a tub of ice cream and cry. Seriously.

My body and mind are stretched too thin lately. My schedule is as follows: School, workout, study, school, work, study, workout, school and sleep when I have time. If I fall behind in any of my responsibilities I will get in trouble. I knew this was going to be a tough semester but I clearly underestimated the level of difficulty.

The lack of any serious romantic pursuits has really helped me time-wise, but I still long for a good boy to cuddle with. I have lost almost all interest in the dating scene. It usually is very awkward for me and I spend so much time introducing myself over and over again to new boys only to never see them again.

Right now, I need to sit and finish "Atlas Shrugged" before I have way to much reading to do for school. I have come this far on this stupid book. I will finish it god dammit! For Christmas break my next read will be "War and Peace." It is even longer than Rand's book. Whoopie.

Summer Lovin'

I think my readership has been steadily falling. Maybe it's my fault for not writing enough, or maybe no one really gives a damn about my craziness.

Anyway, something wonderfully horrible has happened! I am single! This is the time for champagne and mischievous celebratory dances!

No, in all honesty I don't like that my current relationship had to end, "had" being the key word. But, now I am single and for once I am beginning to feel like my old self again. I had a conversation with Isaac the other day (was it Isaac or Ian...?) about how having a significant other can really change you. (Actually it was Merika). There are positives and negatives, but one of the worst things it does is that it makes you increasingly cut off from everyone but your significant other. I become much more introverted when I know I don't need other friends, just him, whoever "him" may be. (Nope it was Gabby). You only want to hang out with them and don't really want to do anything else, work, school, friends, etc etc. It is a horrible trait of mine, but I tend to be a passionate person which leads me to lose myself in the other. But now I am out of a relationship and I can learn to tone it down a bit. More importantly, I am setting my sights on many things. I am currently applying for an internship with the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, a volunteer position with the UIC Service Corps, and the Peace Corps. All of this while working! It is going to be a busy and stressful semester and I am going to love every second of it!

After looking back, my summer was very successful. I have managed to have very unique experiences every summer of college thus far. And because this one was different, and much more relaxing than the others, I misjudged it as boring and uneventful. But it wasn't! I canoed down the Chicago river, had crazy adventures at Market Days, been engulfed in numerous books, worked a crazy job, gone to the beach, went on bike rides, saw many of my old high school friends, and had a house party. The list could go on, but I don't have the attention span for it! Basically my summer equals a "Great Success!"

I am currently engrossed in "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. It spews the individualistic philosophy of Rand termed "objectivism." I absolutely love the premise and the way Rand writes, though she tends to be a bit exhausting at times. Her characters are the anti-heroes, they do what they do because they want to make money, not because they care about people or the world. The story is about a man (though we haven't met him yet) who stops the world because he could but mainly because the corrupt are those without a purpose. Those who have found purpose and who succeed in this world carry the rest on their backs, like Atlas. It is wonderful. Long, but wonderful and I recommend it to everyone!

On that note, I have noticed a bit of a contradiction within my political thought. I am an individualist, and believe that everyone must achieve their own goals in life with little or no influence from everyone else. I recognize society, but put little importance on it. That said, why do I advocate a strong government? I have noticed that my socialist tendencies have been fading. Why must someone pay taxes on money they earned themselves? I advocate universal health care, but I don't know why or if I even believe it myself. My conservative upbringing has not been fully washed away like the unclean dirt it is! I think I am beginning to slip towards a slight libertarian view, though I do believe in a strong government with some public institutions.

Anyway, the summer is almost over and school is about to begin! Oddly enough, I am so excited! I bought a new back pack yesterday! School shopping is the BEST! My last year is about to begin!

Bucket List

I was out with my friend the other day when he made a very interesting comment. "You have done a lot of things!" This took me by surprise because I am always feel like I haven't done enough.

He could be right. I have gone to many places, work many jobs, met lots of people and had experiences that are incredibly unique. This caused me to go back and examine my life to see if I have made the most of my 21 years. 1/4 of my life is potentially over, and that is a scary thought.

So, has my life been worth it? The obvious answer is yes. But I want to do more! I will not be entirely satisfied until I fully enjoy what the world has to offer me. Granted, I will most likely never be able to experience everything, but I will try goddamn it! I guess sitting here in my apartment every day doesn't help...

Things I want to do before I die a.k.a. Bucket List (in no particular order)

-See all the wonders of the world (ancient and modern)
-Travel to every continent
-Have a child
-Go skydiving
-Live in the Middle East
-Drive a Hummer (they destroy the environment, but just once I would like to have that much power under my tush!)

Wow, I really cannot think of anything. I definitely need more time to rue this over. Any suggestions?

R.I.P. Graeme

So, Graeme was put down yesterday. I really hoped that I could have been there to hold him as he died, but unfortunately everything happened way too fast and I had no time to get home from Chicago. I had my goodbye though. I was home early last week to see the Harry Potter 6 premier with my friends. When I got home, he was lying in the kitchen, unable to get up the stairs. To see my dog so fragile was incredibly hard. I curled up next to him for a half hour and cuddled like I used to do.

I had this unofficial, totally unimportant routine with Graeme. I would sit at the top of the stairs and he would push himself under my arm. The last night I saw him, I sat at the top of the stairs as usual. He was unable to see me however since his sight was suddenly lost and he instead collapses where he was. It was a torturing sight to see. He was stupid, dumb, smelled bad, and was afraid of most things but he was still loved.

Do dogs have souls? Do they have an afterlife? Maybe he will be reincarnated into something else? Well, at least I have Maggie and Oliver. Oh wait, I don't have Oliver. :'(

Back It Up, Turn Around!

Lets take a look at my last post. Oh, you don't do anything Michael? Big shocker there! Wait, now your life has taken a few interesting turns? Yeah, suck it bad luck.

I like lists, so I am going to make another one. This time with numbers instead of letters because I am BA like that. (Side-note: BA = Bad Ass)

1. I just applied for many different volunteer positions at the Field Museum. I know it doesn't pay and isn't as prestigious as an internship (if that even is the way to describe it), but I am really excited and hopeful that I will get one. At least I will be doing something related to my future undecided career. Plus it is a great resume booster!

2. I just made a wonderful and awesome new friend! We hung out the other day and just talked for a long time. With the understanding that I am not on the boy market now, there was no pressure whatsoever to impress, flirt, etc. etc. and it was really nice and relaxing. Now we are going to the Oriental Institute at the U of C Sunday where we will look at Indonesian pottery or Persian artifacts! Added bonus - 1950's film "The Land of the Pharaohs," all for free!

3. I'm working out again. Not anything super rigorous, but 15 minutes here, 20 minutes there. Makes me feel better about myself and my abs are starting to get some definition!

4. I am very close to making a major decision in my current love life. Basically, I am not happy the way things are. You can deduce what may happen.

5. I feel very close with my roommates. Yes, we may fight or bicker sometimes, and I am not at all pleased with the messiness of some of them, *cough*ianklein*cough*. But still, my friendships with them have started to go to new levels and I have three very important people in my life that I get to see a lot. I couldn't be more pleased!

And I think that is about it. I feel like dancing now.

Photo by Jim McGill

Summer of Laziness

So this summer has been slightly disappointing thus far.

1 - I have been sleeping way too much. I don't like sleeping in till the afternoon, but somehow my body is controlling everything and I am awake about 10 hours and sleep the rest. Perhaps the mono has finally caught up to me.

2 - My job has not been giving me enough hours to work, and when I do work, it is overnight. I hardly get normal hours.

3 - My Arabic plans have (more or less) fallen through. Who knew that stealing things doesn't always work?

4 - All my roommates have very busy schedules. This means I am home alone a lot.

I struggle to find things to do and I usually end up in the apartment, lounging, cleaning or working out. Some days I go on adventures with Isaac or Merika (never Ian it seems) but those aren't enough. I want a fun summer full of adventures and friends, BBQ's , swimming, water fights, etc. Someone help please! I need more friends!

Golf Bros and Tennis Bitches

Hm, what was this again? A blvog? Oh yes, yes, I forgot about this. As usual.

So, getting over my last super depressed post, things are going fairly well. Living with Merika, Ian and Isaac requires some...patience sometimes, but that's all part of learning to be around each other all the time. So far, so good.

So now you are wondering, "why the strange title?" Well, being that I work in frat-center a.k.a. Wrigleyville, I deal with young, white yuppies on a constant basis. It annoys me. A lot.

"Dude." "Bro." "Man." These are some of their most used phrase as well as their most annoying. This is the first tell of a "bro," the annoying frat boy who dresses in polos and khakis and tries to act way cooler than they really are. For references on bros watch these links!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaS6mlUS5Kw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_UyP4qb6-0

To all the bros out there - I am not your bro and never will be so take your frayed hats, shove it up your asses and get your drunk whore out of my face!

The other day a guy, who was rather drunk, asked me, "Dude (I cringed), where's the nearest strip club?"

I stood for a second, seriously considering if I knew where a strip club was. Just because I am gay doesn't mean I don't know where these things exist, right? Actually, I would like to go to one just for fun. I responded with a "No."

"Of course you wouldn't," he said. What? What did you just say? Excuse me mother fucker? Do you want your pizza or maybe I can take it in the back and give it some lovin'. Anyway, he turned to my very straight (but nice) co-worker and said," Come on bro! You know where I can see some titties!"

At this point I was utterly disgusted with him and was seriously considering spraying some bleach in his eyes so he could never gaze upon titties again. However, I would like to avoid jail as long as possible and decided against it.

Frat girls (those girls who hang around with frat boys) are worse than their male counterparts. Too many whores come stumbling into my work and utter thing that are impossible to understand. They also expect tons of free things, like the world should stop because they happen to look hot only because they put pounds of make-up on. Sorry ladies, your "beauty" (if that's even the right word to use for them) will not work on me. You make me gay.

Moral of the blog - I hate 9 out of the 10 people who come to my work.

Back to Chicago!

What a strange and stressful month May has been. I am glad it is over and I hope June will be much better.

My apartment is great! Ian, Merika and I have moved in and we have had a lot of fun thus far. Merika and I even read a part of "New Moon" together!

My friend that I made in Greece came the other day on her road trip. I showed her and her friends many different part of Chicago, but I only had one day so it was very shortened. We went to places in Wicker Park, the Lincoln Park Zoo, Museum of Contemporary Art, Second City, the Magnificent Mile, State Street, Water Tower, Millennium Park, Grant Park, and the Buckingham Palace. It was a long and tiresome day, but I enjoyed being a bit of a tourist again. It only reminds me how much more of the city I have yet to see.

I know I haven't posted in awhile and this is hardly sufficient as a review, but like I said, it was a difficult month. I don't really wish to delve into the troubles I have been through. I'd rather let it go and look forward to summer!

The Swine Flue

"You didn't take the hype too seriously. You didn't even rush out and buy a mask... But when push came to shove and it became real, when people far too sick to survive were using up all your medicine you did ANYTHING to survive - including setting the infected on fire while you raided a derelict hospital and survive you did..."

Oh thank God! I was worried there for a moment that I would turn into a crazed zombie with a thirst for brains. Facebook, what do you not know? Thank you!

Sports vs Michael

Inspired by the list of "55 more things I hope you blog about," found by Kayla, I have decided to blog about other things than my life.

http://www.darrenbarefoot.com/archives/2007/09/55-more-blog-posts-i-hope-you-write.html

47. Why I Hate Sports

As I looked down the list, this one made me laugh, which means to me that it must be blog worthy.

Honestly, I do not hate sports. I hate playing sports. Watching certain sports can be fun. I went to every single football game and many basketball games in high school, mainly because as a geek I was required to for marching and pep band. I enjoyed myself though and learned a lot about the games. However, I would find myself staring at #29's butt or wondering why football players could be so hot. But that's getting off topic.

My main queef with sports is my inability to play them. I suck at any sport known to man. Period. With little to no coordination in my 6'4" (maybe 6'3") body, I find myself overly embarrassed anytime I step up to bat, or attempt to kick a soccer ball as hard as I can leading to a disastrous fall backward. Once in high school gym while I was waiting in line to bat, I found myself nervously scratching parts of my fingers so much that it bled. How could high school gym or sports make me so anxious?

Perhaps it was because I was usually younger than those around me. Maybe I had a crush on a certain guy in the outfield. Actually during my junior year of high school, I had a huge crush on this guy in my class which made me even more nervous whenever I was playing something with him. But other than that, I really think it was because I didn't want to look like a fool around other people. My self esteem back then rested upon how others viewed me, and not being able to play sports could ruin that, or so I thought. I know better now, sometimes. My roommate kept trying to get me to play volleyball with him and his friends, and I would always refuse. I guess I really have to trust that people are not going to make fun of me when I completely fail at sports.

Damn all you soccer balls, footballs, baseballs, volleyballs, basketballs, golf balls, eclipse balls (only found in Batavia High School), racquet balls, tennis balls, bowling balls (it's a sport!), and other various balls! You make things so hard for me!

Immature side note: There are a lot of balls in sports. It is strange that I should fail at something so gay sounding.

I am sure if I practiced at a sport, I could get a lot better, but that's assuming I have the time or motivation. I have neither. And when I did, I just didn't care.

Oblivious

Joe Biden, the Vice President of the United States of America, was in the same building that I live in giving a speech while I was in my room completely oblivious.

Fuck.

Disaster Averted!

The apartment search almost blew up in everyone's faces. Here is what happened.

We found this wonderful apartment in Logan's Square that was incredibly cheap but nice! We all agreed that Logan's Square was not a great area to live in, but for that price we couldn't say no. However, Merika's dad had a huge issue with it, and due to his bickering with Merika, it delayed the process and we had to let the apartment go. Ian told me after that he thought Merika was unsure about getting an apartment anymore and I said that if she was unsure we should continue looking for other apartments in case she does drop out. That simple sentence got "rumor-weeded" (when a small rumor gets blown out of proportion) and somehow it came into our minds that Merika was out altogether. But Merika was unaware that she had been unofficially kicked-out. When I talked to her to confirm that she was out, she was surprised and angry. I had to coax Ian to let her back in, which he did (grudgingly). Isaac was just confused but had no issues with letting Merika back in, so long as her parents don't force us to lose another apartment.

Saturday we have an appointment with the apartment people. Hopefully it works out. I have been telling Ian to make an appointment for weeks but he never did. So I had to do it myself. I have been intentionally out of the decision making process up to this point because I didn't care, but now that things almost fell apart I feel like I need to take a more active role otherwise I may be homeless!

Wise Insight?

In my attempt to find some answers, I turn to the source of all that is wisdom - Blogthings.com! Here is the results on whether or not my relationship will last. Kind of depressing.

Your Relationship Will Last For A While!

This may be hard for you to swallow, but you and your guy might not last At least not forever. He's somewhere between Mr. Right... and Mr. Right Now No doubt your guy is a great catch - and generally good to you The odds are, however, that someone better is out there!

How Long Will Your Relationship With Your Guy Last?

From Mono to May

I realize that it has been a long time since I have posted any sort of update into my life. I had a sudden burst of surprising motivation to study, work, and still be social. Now, as the semester ends and my obligations to school begin to wane, I find myself bored and beginning to become unmotivated again, though I have nothing to do anyway.

So, the largest event in my life this past month has been getting a job. I work (I don't want to say the name because my boss has a Google alert for whenever anyone mentions the name and that would lead them right to this website) at a pizza joint up in Wrigleyville. It is far away, but the environment in fun and I love the people I work with. Dealing with drunk Cubs fans is more appealing than it may seem at first. We usually just make fun of them behind their backs. Or to their faces. They really can't tell. Then after a late night (sometimes 4 or 5am) we all sit back and drink a couple of beers as we reminisce about the night. And I get paid! Not a bad deal if you ask me.

The apartment search has had mixed results. Currently, I am trying to find a place with Isaac, Ian and Merika. We have found a few places we like, but lost them. However, it has solidified Isaac as a roommate and we are all fairly confident in our ability to coexist. I expect living with these fools will create a great deal of adventures. I can't wait! However, I don't have any money. I am working now, so I am saving what I can but after Greece and Johnny, I have $0. I need some time to work and not pay rent so I can save, but this leaves a gap from May 9th (when I have to move out of the dorms) to June 1st where I have nowhere to live. I could go home, but I have a job in Chicago that sometimes I cannot commute back from. I am hoping a miracle will happen in the next week and a half.

My relationship has also gotten better, in some ways. I have stopped putting pressures on it and let things happen naturally, and it is good. I like being with him a lot. This creates another problem though. I fear getting to close to him since he is graduating in less than a month and is unsure about the direction of his life. Also, I am fairly certain that I am going to try my luck at getting into the Peace Corps which, if accepted, would take me away for at least two years. And yet I want to be close with someone. With him. It is all very confusing and hard to deal with. I try as hard as possible to keep myself at a distance, but I find that harder to do as time goes on. I only hope I make the right decision when the time comes.

I think I am destined to never settle down in any one place for an extended period. With my goals of the Peace Corps, then maybe graduate school followed hopefully by the State Department (which would ship me around constantly on tours of 2 to 4 years, much like the Peace Corps) I am going to be a drifter. And I like it! Chicago is beginning to wear on me. I am excited to graduate and leave for somewhere else! The plan is hopefully Jordan. I start Arabic 101 next fall!

Photo by Arian Behzadi... I think

What my feet say about me?

I liked this one.

Your Feet Say You're Flexible

You are pretty average in your expressiveness. You can express yourself well, but you don't always want to. You are a very passionate person. You are highly charged and easily inspired. You are an assertive person at times. You'll pull out all the stops to get what you want, if it's worth it. You take a while to fall in love, but once you do, you stay pretty attached to your partner. You are not afraid of anything. You are brave and courageous, even when most people would be terrified. You are intellectual and philosophical. You are more concerned with thoughts than action. You are very spoiled. You don't work unless you have to, and you love to be waited on. You are easily influenced by other people. You're quite impressionable, so you should only be around people who are a good influence.

What Do Your Feet Say About You?

Really? Snow? Again?

Seriously, where the fuck is Spring? I am tired of being cold. It makes me miserable and therefore pissy and grumpy, perhaps a bit frumpy. If I see snow again, I will scream. Loudly. And probably cry a little bit.

Melodrama

I think too much. I create problems where there are none, or I take a small incident, roll it around my head over and over again until it has become blown out of proportion. Or perhaps I am right to question people, to doubt and protect myself. I am not sure.

There has always been a level of trust within me for everyone. My life is (more or less) and open book for those who care. I don't keep many secrets. But that trust goes only so deep. To earn access to my deeper feelings and emotions now requires such a trust that I no longer give out freely. After my particularity scaring relationship with Johnny, I have been left with a mistrust for those who seek out my presence. And now I find myself stuck at that same crossroads; do I give out my trust to one who has done nothing wrong that I am currently aware of, or (as you may have presumed from the tone of the sentence) do I guard my heart? I am suspicious. Is it right to be?

This is creating anxiety within me. At a time where I feel like I am finally getting my life on track, do I take a chance and possibly set myself further back? Or would it be beneficial for me? I guess time will tell. I lack wisdom in regards to decisions about my future. I react emotionally rather than practically, a trait which has got me stuck in numerous bad decisions.

I was having a wonderful weekend too! I have never studied so much before in my life! I am super motivated and concentrated to do my work, that is until I was faced with this. Sorry Ronald Regan, Voltaire, capitalism, neolithic societies and geology, right now I am busy. My mind is filled with much less important things.

Tea makes me jittery. Just saying...

The Kissing Disease

Sorry about the lack of posting lately, but I just got over the worst spring break in my life, and its up there on the list as one of the worst weeks of my life to date.

Monday seemed bright and cheery, until I had my foot surgery for the plantar's wart that has been stuck in my foot for years. I can still remember Kristi Carlson trying to dig it out of my foot. I let it go for so long and it grew to become a monster. Surgery was the only practical solution. The rest of Monday and Tuesday was spent with me laying down, watching TV.

Tuesday night I began to feel strange. Wednesday morning I had a full blown fever, one that would not go away until Sunday night. I have never been so unproductive in my life or watched so much "Everybody Loves Raymond." I hate that show. I hated it before I was sick. At one point, my fever reached to 104 and I couldn't stop dry heaving. My mother took me to the hospital in the wee hours of Thursday morning, where I spent a good three or four hours. The diagnosis: infectious mononucleosis, a.k.a. mono. Great!

I can't stop sleeping now. My throat doesn't really hurt that much anymore, but the exhaustion is getting to me. I am also thrilled to hobble around campus in my stylish boot.

Despite these major set backs, I feel motivated and happy. It is getting warmer out, the semester is close to being done with, and I am ready to get my life going! This semester has sucked thus far. It began with major depression from reverse culture shock and moving back into the dorms, continued to suck with my sickness, but is finally (I hope) turning around. I just hope I can get a good job so I can live here over the summer!

I still need a concentration of studies for history and I am still unsure of what to do. Any ideas?

Photo by Elliot Erwitt